ramblings

brimfulofasha @ 2007-10-19T11:14:00

2007-10-19T05:55:40Z

The heart wants to go to Paris. Beautiful picturesque Paris.

Run for Hope!

2007-06-04T18:23:19Z

I need support! I need all my friends at the St. Joseph's Indian High School at 8:30 am on the 10th of June for Run for Hope! More info

If you guys would like to help Lovedale and me by selling tickets in your respective companies, it would be great. Leave me a comment and we would ensure that you have posters and tickets to sell at your doorstep!

Hope to see you all there!

brimfulofasha @ 2007-03-12T14:26:00

2007-03-12T09:45:23Z

Some call it faith, some call it love.
Some call it guidance from above.
You are the reason we found ours,
So thank you stars.

I was listening to the song.With my eyes closed, in the closed confines of an airplane. Isn't it funny how some songs bring back moments out of time. The image of two hands clasped. I see the lines etched across the surface of a palm and as i trace them with my fingers a feeling of contentment washes over me. I am happy. I am involved in a whirlwind of activities and amidst the chatter and no time to breathe, there are moments like this which make me thankful for life and love.

After a very long time, I am not beset with the whys and the hows. What is there instead is an energy. An energy which makes me a cause in the matter of my existence. And not an effect controlled by circumstances. It feels good. It makes me laugh!

brimfulofasha @ 2006-12-22T10:46:00

2006-12-22T05:46:34Z

I was watching an advertisement for pens. I think it was the linc ad. The ad was something about change and India. About how we will change India. A place where a woman will not be sold and raped to compensate for another woman's honor. A place where every child will go to school instead of washing dishes. A place where I will not sit, and think that by donating some money my responsibility to who I am, is over. Where I will not be so embroiled in "me, me , me, me" that apart from me nothing else would seem important.
I sat there thinking all this when something from a long long time ago came to me...a couplet..which goes...
Awr bhi dukh hain zamane mein muhabbat ke siwa,
Rahatein awr bhi hain vasl ki rahat ke siwa,
Mujh se paihili si muhabbat meri mehboob na mang.

I do not want to change, for wanting to change never really made things different. I am going to create something new. Give life to a possibility.Make a difference for "Awr bhi dukh hain zamane mein muhabbat ke siwa"

brimfulofasha @ 2006-11-07T12:11:00

2006-11-07T07:11:59Z

Human Beings are quite funny!

What is it about us, that makes us treat people we care about with such arrant callousness? While in the same situation if a stranger were around, one would be more considerate.

On the flip side what is it about us, that makes us so eager to judge and hang, draw and quarter people we care about with such righteousness? In the same situation if a stranger were around, one wouldn't care a damn!

Dancing in the dark

2006-07-07T04:17:09Z

There is something about this song. It makes me want to jump up with joy and dance till i can't breathe. I was feeling lonely 5 minutes back. Not now.

"You can't start a fire, worried about your little world falling apart,
This gun's for hire, even if we are just dancing in the dark"

It makes me smile. It makes me realise my problems are small in comparison. They are not problems. Just a bundle of worries and what ifs... the speculation that makes life interesting.

It is a dark miasma. It sometime surrounds me like a lover's embrace. At other times it touches me by leaving me with a feeling of sadness. Fleeting but tangible. At times I wish I could go 5 years in my future and see where I am, what I am doing and with whom I am.:-) The present never was this confusing. Or probably it always was, but in retrospect the past seems simpler.

I have written and now it is time to change the song.

" Chalte chalte" from pakeeza... There is a line there as well ....

"Chalte chalte yuhi koi mil gaya tha, saare raah chalte chalte
Wohi tham ke rah gayi hai meri raat dhalte dhalte"

Time to move on my crazy diamond

2006-05-15T17:35:09Z

I get up in the evening
and I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain't nothing but tired
Man I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help

You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire
even if we're just dancing in the dark

Message keeps getting clearer
radio's on and I'm moving 'round the place
I check my look in the mirror
I wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face
Man I ain't getting nowhere
I'm just living in a dump like this
There's something happening somewhere
baby I just know that there is

You can't start a fire
you can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire
even if we're just dancing in the dark

You sit around getting older
there's a joke here somewhere and it's on me
I'll shake this world off my shoulders
come on baby this laugh's on me

Stay on the streets of this town
and they'll be carving you up alright
They say you gotta stay hungry
hey baby I'm just about starving tonight
I'm dying for some action
I'm sick of sitting 'round here trying to write this book
I need a love reaction
come on now baby gimme just one look

You can't start a fire sitting 'round crying over a broken heart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
You can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Hey baby

-Bruce Springsteen

brimfulofasha @ 2006-04-17T00:26:00

2006-04-16T19:05:46Z

I lie down. Close my eyes. I am choked with feelings. Tumultuous and overwhelming.
SO much of it that I panic at times. But there are times when I look at you and I am plain thankful. Irrespective of whether it will last or whether it will wither away with time, I am blessed today. I count my blessings. Sleep doesn't come easily. Hence I am up and writing it all down. Storing it, making it a part of my brimful of asha and my world entire.

brimfulofasha @ 2005-12-22T12:02:00

2005-12-22T06:33:49Z

I sit staring at my computer trying to solve a problem, when my mind suddenly blanks out.It starts thinking about open spaces and blue skies. The fresh air of mountains. Freedom and peace.

The enclosed spaces of my office, my town, my life is slowly strangling me. I want to sit at the steps of a fast moving train and feel part of the movement.Feel the exhilaration as my body and the air around fight for the same space. Feel alive. Feel the thrill of exploration as I land at a not before visted place. And the freedom of it all.

Today I want to be the eternal traveller.

brimfulofasha @ 2005-11-23T16:35:00

2005-11-23T11:06:58Z

It is an old house.Time is old. She is sitting in the middle of a huge verandah.
With her ghughat half covering her face, she tries to look out. Outside the threshold. Waiting for the familiar sound of his footsteps.
There is a rythmn inside her. The bubbling laughter contained. The dance that is there ...waiting to come out. Waiting for a glimpse. For a confirmation that he is home.
The sun is setting. The orange of the sky is on her face and a smile begins to break free....

Gori aaye hai aaye hai saajan
Dekho kaisa milan ho gaya hai
Tere chehre se lagta hai jaise
ek naya hi janam ho gaya hai.

P.S.- I was listening to "Dholana" by Shubha Mudgal. For a moment I went back into another era.

brimfulofasha @ 2005-11-14T22:37:00

2005-11-14T17:12:42Z

I danced.

After so long.

And still my feet move.

Rythm and motion together.

Oh after so long.

Perhaps this is good.

New things, New experience.

A trickle of happiness and loads of laughter.

I am singing out loud with the music as well.

Hearing my voice, loving it.

Appreciating it.

I had forgotten.

Not anymore.

I dance. In abandon. In love.

And in complete acceptance.

Exuberance and a smile that doesn't go away.

I dance.

brimfulofasha @ 2005-10-14T10:52:00

2005-10-14T05:26:59Z

A carving,
An art form on skin,
Of a passion and
Of Love

A wish..
To be loved like that..
A smile..
Sad and rueful..
And life, the bitch!

Need

2005-10-10T04:56:38Z

I was talking to a friend. We talked about need, about women who are strong, capable and independent. And about how all women fall prey to need.

The need to have someone around.To share thoughts and feelings. The need to know that there is someone who is absolutely yours accepting you for all your failings. It is need which defeats all of us.

But it isn't something that we can root out from our psyche. Can we?

I felt ashamed for a moment. For need took something away from me. Made me less.

But did it really, I ask myself again? Would I choose to live with myself, if I did not feel the need to hold and to be held. Perhaps not.

Needy still but living and laughing nonetheless.

Songs and memories

2005-09-18T08:42:00Z

Ek sirf humi maay ko aankhon se pilate hai
Kahano ko to duniya mein,
maaykhane hazaaron hai

In ankhon ki masti ke

I am listening to the song on a sunday afternoon, when the above lines bring to mind... a snapshot from the past.

She was singing this song. And she looked at him as she began singing the above lines. Not to tease him. Not to flirt with him. It was chance and she liked looking at someone when singing this song..these lines. He was a friend..her best friend for a small span of time. He looked at her,got his sunglasses out and put them on promptly.. hilariously! It was quite comical. She was hurt. Then shrugged it off as change and an acceptance of things that were.

Aeons have passed since then, and today all she feels when she thinks of that moment is a lot of laughter and a pinch of hurt.

A need.

2005-08-11T04:50:16Z

I close my eyes,
only for a moment, and the moment's gone
All my dreams,
pass before my eyes, a curiosity

Dust in the wind,
all they are is dust in the wind

Same old song,
just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do,
crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind,
All we are is dust in the wind

Don't hang on,
nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away,
all your money won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind,
All we are is dust in the wind

Feeling old. Sitting here watching tv, with a shawl wrapped around me, looking at the world through dark rimmed glasses. Lost in the never never land of thoughts emotions and an undefining feeling of...loss perhaps...of the fact that all i am is dust in the wind..

Of standing one day in the sun and dissloving in nothingness...No it is not that..

It is the song. Haunting.

It is a need to be more. To experience more. There has to be more to existence that how I see it, feel it and live it.

A feeling washes over me. I try to define it. I fail...

New York City

2005-08-06T18:56:14Z

New York was awesome fun. I was there from 29th-31st of July.

Met up with a bunch of college seniors/friends. Went to all the tourist places that are there. Hung out and got dazzled by the lights that adorn the New York sky at nights. was awed and amazed at a lot of points in my journey.

I reached there at 11:30 pm. Sai came to the airport. Went to his place. His 30th floor apartment overlooks the Hudson river and Manhattan which is on the other side of Hudson.It was a pretty sight. The weather was good. So went for a walk around his apartment block after i had freshened up. Walked and talked for about two hours. From one end to the other, where i could see the flashingly lighted spire of the Empire State building on one end and the faint light of Statue of Liberty at the other. It was a time well spent. Sai is as funny as I remembered him to be and comfortable to be around. i was meeting him after a gap of 3 years and not even for a moment did i feel that I was imposing on him.

As we walked about,I noticed the language people were speaking around me... Gujrati was heard most. Then tamil and hindi. I was later told that Manhattan has more indians than americans.

New York is a lot like Mumbai. The energy, the people, the diversity and the fast pace of life.

I fell in love with the lights that adorn the City at night. From the Brooklyn Bridge, I could see an unending stream of lights on my left and right.

I have to go there again and see a broadway show. And see the Central Park in Autumn when everything is as orange as it is green now.

There were people dancing around a raised platform, these were normal everyday ppl, ppl who had come to spend a lazy saturday afternoon in Central Park. They were dancing to the tune of a small unknown band playing on the platform...some tune...for the fun and energy of it all.

And as i sat there thinking of you and the world, looking at people milling about, I felt peace sweep over me... And then it was gone... and I was ready once again to see the other wonders that this City had in store for me.

Madam Tussad's, Times Square, Statue of Liberty,Wall street, New York University, 5th Avenue.. Saw them all.. felt good.

Felt the thrill of traveling, of exploring, of new lands and new stories.

I am looking foward to Washington DC now. That city is supposed to have a different flavor all together.

I guess the traveling bug has bitten me. Next on my agenda is "Europe".

1350 hours
6th august 2005
Austin, Texas

Ice-Cream

2005-08-06T02:53:58Z

The best ice-cream I have had in a long long time..

I am feeling nice and happy.

Science

2005-07-26T03:18:34Z

I bought "What do you care what other people think?", a sequel to "surely you're joking Mr. Feynman" by Richard P. Feynman as a gift for Umang. The book is out publication in India so had to get it here. And like a shameless bum that I am I went ahead and read it. The book in itself is a good one and an interesting read. But what is the best part of the book is the last chapter called "The Value of Science".

I am still reeling under the impact and beauty of what is written in there.

Two excerpts:
----------------------
"The radioactive phosphorous content of the cerebrum of the rat decreases to one-half in a period of two weeks." Now what does that mean?

It means that phosphorous that is the in the brain of a rat-- and also in mine, and yours-- is not the same phosphorous as it was two weeks ago. It means the atoms that are in the brain are being replaced: the ones that were there before have gone away.

So what is this mind of ours: what are these atoms with consciousness? Last week's potatoes!They now remember what was going on in my mind a year ago-- a mind which has long been replaced.

To note that the thing I call my individuality is only a pattern or dance, that is what it means when one discovers how long it takes for the atoms of the brain to be replaced by other atoms. The atoms come into my brain, dance a dance, and then go out--there are always new atoms, but always doing the same dance, remembering what the dance was yesterday

-----------------------

It is our responsibility as scientists, knowing the great progress which comes from the satisfactory philosophy of ignorance,the great progress which is the fruit of freedom of thought, to proclaim the value of this freedom; to teach how doubt is not to be feared but welcomed and discussed; and to demand this freedom as our duty to all coming generations.

--------------------

Loved the book. It made me think and wish....

25th July,
2213 hours,
Austin, Texas.

The world is a small place.

2005-07-21T02:54:31Z

My trip so far has been quite good. A little less exciting because of lack of transportation but otherwise good. Have gone to my aunt's friend's friend's place, gone to the University of Texas, gone grocery shopping again, gone to a coffee place which plays live music every friday( Went on a friday), gone swimming( and as i lay back in the pool, i could see the sky...dark and menacing. There was a rage in the air. I found out next morning that we were hit by the tail end of hurricane Emily). So on the whole did quite a few things.

Today, I got talking to the chap whose work cube is right across mine.His name is Muhammad. He is a Pakistani. Was born there, came over to the states to do his Engineering from UT and has been working with NI for 7 years. He was curious about whether i were originally from bangalore. On finding out that I am from Patna, Bihar, he was quite amused. The reason for his amusement- His dad is from Patna. He was there till before partition and then moved to East Pakistan and finally to Karachi. He told me how he(his dad) gets nostalgic about the place and I was quite stunned. Here i was in austin, because of my company surrounded by people whose roots are in Bihar(The other person from Bihar is Prabhav(my tech lead). He grew up in Dhanbad, now in Jharkhand) . In Bangalore i hardly ever meet a person from Bihar.

Quite something ha...

Well that is all for now.

One big thing- I am going to New York City next weekend!!! Yippee!

First day at work

2005-07-12T03:47:55Z

First day at NIC(Corporate) was good. Prabhav is extremely helpful but a strict task master. I like him. Brian Johnson is my manager here. The first thing that struck me was that, he is NOT old. I always assumed him to be a pot bellied old gentleman. Well i was wrong.

After work, went grocery shopping with Prabhav. That also was a new experience all together. Bought a lot of healthy stuff and two cartons of ice-cream!!! Yippe!!

While shopping, Prabhav said something that got me thinking. Something about when you are away from people you know, you get a lot of time to contemplate about things you normally shove aside.

It is 8:10 in the evening. The sun hasn't set as yet. My room is overlooking the pool and a lawn surrounded by trees. It rained on my way back home. Austin is beautiful. It is green. The view from my office is pretty good too. I went out on the verandah of the 6th floor of my office and smelt the earth and the rain. Loved it. I wish I were good at describing nature. I cannot explain the sensations. Wish you were here. Didn't miss you( as you had instructed.), but would have loved what was enfolding infront of me more, if you were around. You always do it. Make me more alive... to pleasure as well as to pain.

So i am thinking about myself, life, you and a host of other things. Will probably write thoughts and feelings later. If i give myself the permission to do so that is.

ta,

2030 hours
11th July, austin, USA

MIchgan, Detroit

2005-07-11T04:48:47Z

Here I am again. At the Chicago airport this time. Have to while away sometime. This country isn't all that different. It is warm. A day with shaloo di was good. Mausa is a little different. But apart from him, mausi and shalu di are adorable. They live in a beautiful place.It is green. It is quiet. The air is calm, and you get up to look at a tall tree which is now green but will soon be a blaze of orange, from di's room's window. I would love to live in a place like that provided it was in India.There is a serenity which calms.

As for the US of A...all that we hear about it is true. No myths here. The downtown in detroit is predominantly inhabited by the black population. Historically the downtowns in all US cities have been trade centres, mostly inhabitated by the proletariat(if i may use such an unlikely term in context of the USA.) WHIch were slowly decaying into ghettos. In recent times however there has been a concerted effort to upscale the downtown. IN detroit however there hasn't been much improvement in the social structure of the downtown. It is still predominantly black and poor. Mausi works in the pshyciatry ward of a state run hospital in downtown and she didn't let us get down from the car while we were there. The rich ofcourse live in the suburbs. I asked mausi whether she had any black friends, to which she replied in the negative. BUt shalu di has a bunch of friends- Indians, blacks and whites.

Another interesting thing that i noticed in the Indian Community in michigan(where my mausi lives.) is how they stick together. And how they are so much like ppl at home. I had to go to a party, there. I was surprised how similar it was to a party or a family gathering in India. The only difference being that the second generation indians speak like americans. Extremely similar and extremely snooty. I don't like such gatherings. They seem a waste of time and effort. Probably i am beng a little harsh, as i definitely felt an outsider there. I don't really fit in a gathering of air- kissing ppl. Why? That is another discussion all together.

Travelling abroad, especially to the States is easy. People are friendly, they help and if one knows fluent engish then travelling involves little hassle. I don't feel different. I don't feel as if something extraordinary is happening here. There is a slight sliver of excitement but not a froth bubbling with adrenaline. Not as yet.

1140 hours
10th July, chicago, USA

Germany

2005-07-11T04:38:49Z

I touched foreign ground today. Got down from the plane. Looked up, and there it was.The cold gray german landscape. I had been worrying about how to manage, everything till then.

I am in germany. The excitement, the thrill of travelling is sinking in.Everywhere i look i see foreign faces. And surprisingly a number of Indian faces amongst the European and American crowd.

It is cold outside, 12 degrees celsius. The temperture inside is pleasantly regulated. But I want to go out, breathe in the cold, angry weather. Feel cold and invigorated. The madness that is me, loves the wilderness.

"Girk it looks so pretty to me, like it always did,
Like the spanish city to me, when we were kids..."

At the frankfurt airport.
1100 hrs
8th July

truth

2005-04-28T05:40:35Z

The morbidity of the mundane,
The dreariness of everyday existence,
The strife,
The life blood seeps out into the black fabric of nothingness,
Red on black,
Life on death,
What is left are cobwebby shadows,
Of dreams and memories,
Words are easy,
The hurt inflicted,
Cheapend and tattered,
The insaneness of things engulfs,
The grief surfaces,
Refusing to hide behind the walls,
It asks why,
Resounding in the hollowness inside,
Ad nauseum it questions,
And it finds,
Madness and laughter.
Man stripped of all his glory,
Standing and shivering in the cold moonlight,
Reduced to a thing,
From the animate to the inanimate,
Vivid,
Now dull,
The life blood seeps out,
Red on black,
Life on death,
And the gods smile.

sanity with a touch of madness.

2004-12-31T06:01:56Z

It is late night. The sky is clear. You can see the stars twinkling. I can see the Hunter, proud and bright. It is a Silent Night.Sitting on a parapet of the terrace I try to encompass the universe above me in its entirety. I think i fail. There is a blankness around me. A pleasant void. I close my eyes and nothing comes to mind. I have to drag thought. The effort is not worth it. So i embrace the nothingness, and revel in it.

The cold night air whispers something in my ear. She is probably trying to tell me something. I am weary. Hence i don't listen closely.

I sit back. Ponder about nothing.

Finally when i am lost in the night, i let go. A free fall. The air is screaming now. And i smile.

me now.

2004-11-24T11:59:43Z

something,
tangible,
perhaps,
then perhaps not,
a knowledge
an accomplishment,
happiness,
orange flowers,
the late afternoon sky,
denver singing,
somedays are diamonds,
smiling,
loving,
me,
you,
a pause,
a thought which i don't voice,
creativity,
the soul,
the smell,
science,
poetry,
love,
laughter,
the setting of the day,
and a brim full of asha.